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Pele, Pardew and Poirot offer clues to solve punting puzzle

WHICH teams arrive at the World Cup in the best form? Who has the deepest, most-balanced squad at the tournament? And what impact will the gruelling 45-minute bus journey from Doha to Al Khor have on players’ performances?

Those are important questions but World Cup punters must also consider each competing country’s footballing ethos, tournament pedigree, collective memory and psychosexual issues as well as the odd crude national stereotype.

Hopefully this lowdown of the main contenders (and Wales) can provide bettors with a clearer vision of who will lift the Jules Rimet Trophy, the Jimmy Rimmer Cup or whatever it’s called these days.

Brazil

With their iconic yellow shirts, their dazzling football and their sexy, sun-kissed supporters, Brazil are often referred to as the Norwich City of the international scene.

And, like the yo-yoing Canaries, the Brazilians have experienced plenty of highs and lows. They have won a record five World Cups but suffered a harrowing 1950 defeat to Uruguay at the Maracana and a 7-1 semi-final rout by Germany in 2014, while mystery still surrounds what befell star striker Ronaldo before the 1998 final loss to France.

It’s hard to pick holes in the 2022 Selecao, though – especially in the goalkeeping department, with Premier League aces Alisson and Ederson are backed up by Palmeiras cat Weverton, who pipped Warsenal, Waston Villa and Waccrington Stanley for a place in the squad.

Argentina

West Ham’s left-back in the dramatic 2006 FA Cup final defeat to Liverpool was Paul Konchesky, who now manages the Hammers in the Women’s Super League.

Their right-back that day was Lionel Scaloni, coach of World Cup second-favourites Argentina.

Scaloni was one of West Ham’s more successful signings of that era, racking up 13 league appearances on loan, and if he leads the Albiceleste to glory at the World Cup it’s a 1-33 shot that then-Hammers boss Alan Pardew will claim most of the credit.

France

Predicting France’s performance at a World Cup is never easy but we can try to glean some clues from their recent efforts.

In 1998 they beat Brazil 3-0 in a glorious final. In 2002 they finished bottom of Group A without scoring a goal. In 2006 they were runners-up to Italy, losing on penalties after Zidane nutted Materazzi.

In 2010 France finished bottom of their group again, not helped by the players going on strike after Nicolas ‘The Incredible Sulk’ Anelka was sent home for a disciplinary breach.

Brazil 2014 was a rare drama-free tournament for Les Bleus, ending with a 1-0 quarter-final defeat to Germany, and four years later they won the World Cup again with teenage sensation Kylian Mbappe scoring their fourth goal in an action-packed final against Croatia.

And just to muddy the waters a little further, striker Olivier Giroud – who failed to muster a single shot on target during the 2018 World Cup triumph – is now poised to break Thierry Henry’s goalscoring record.

England

English society is as divided as it has been since the 17th century but at least the manager of the national football team is a genuine force for unity.

Since succeeding Sam Allardyce – the Liz Truss of England gaffers – Gareth Southgate has selflessly brought together this fragmented nation to chorus with one voice: “Why the hell has he picked five right-backs and four holding midfielders when we’re playing Iran?”

Spain

The great underachievers of international football have won only three of the last seven major tournaments in which they have competed.

Far more impressively, La Roja have claimed the Fifa Fair Play award at three of the last four World Cups – w with Sergio Ramos in their squad on each occasion!

Fifa’s much-coveted Foul Play award, incidentally, was discontinued after Italia 90, with Cameroon keeping the trophy in perpetuity.

Germany

England’s straightforward last-16 victoryv over Germany at Euro 2020 has finally snapped the psychological hold Die Mannschaft used to have over their traditional rivals.

They’re about as intimidating as England now – prominent in the betting but unlikely to actually do much damage at the tournament.

What more is there to say about them? Timo Werner is missing – no change there, then – Thomas Muller is somehow still only 33, and coach Hansi Flick sounds like a Subbuteo tactic.

Germany? More like Ger-meh-ny.

Netherlands

Without wishing to make sweeping statements about a nation of 18 million souls, the Dutch are like that annoying mate who claims to understand football on a deeper level than anyone else.

Just before Euro 2020, fans flew a plane over the Oranje training camp, trailing a banner demanding that Frank de Boer revert from a 3-5-2 formation to their beloved 4-3-3.

This level of tactics geekery is a slippery slope. What next? The Netherlands get knocked out in the quarter-finals but maintain they’re the xG world champions and start putting a little gold Microsoft Excel symbol on their shirts?

It’s got to be nipped in the bud. Ronald Koeman is due to succeed Louis van Gaal as coach after the World Cup but Fifa must intervene and appoint Sean van Dyche to bin the total football and replace it with total carnage.

Portugal

Despite the social-media fetishisation of megastars such as Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi, football will always be a team game – as demonstrated by Portugal’s Euro 2016 final triumph over France.

Ronaldo – visibly star-struck during his pre-match chat with refereeing royalty Mark Clattenburg – was injured in the ninth minute but spent the next quarter of an hour limping, pouting and gesticulating before finally deigning to be substituted.

In his absence, the final was decided by an extra-time goal from journeyman striker Eder, who had started the season at Swansea, failing to find the net in 15 appearances.

It just goes to show that if you work hard and keep believing in yourself, you too could do your conkers backing France in-play after their opponents’ star player has gone off injured.

Belgium

Like their neighbours France, the Belgians are an enigmatic bunch.

They’ve got three official languages, their most famous citizens are all fictional characters – Hercule Poirot, Tintin and Thorgan Hazard – and their best defenders still include Jan Vertonghen and Toby Alderweireld, presumably with Gary Mabbutt and Gudni Bergsson in reserve.

Their manager Roberto Martinez led Wigan to FA Cup glory and Premier League relegation within the space of four days in May 2013 and Marvin Gaye wrote ‘Sexual Healing’ during an 18-month sojourn in Ostend in the early 1980s.

Pick the bones out of that lot and I’m sure you can unearth a juicy top Belgium tournament scorer bet ...

Wales

Let’s skip down the outright betting to Wales, who deserve a mention as they prepare for their first World Cup finals appearance for 64 years.

The last player to score a goal in a World Cup match featuring Wales was (please adopt your best pub-bore voice …) the small matter of a certain Pele Esquire, who nabbed a scrappy winner in the 1958 quarter-finals.

That means the player who breaks the deadlock in Wales’s Group B opener against the USA will forever have their name linked in history with that of the Brazilian legend. Who will seize this opportunity, convert this date with destiny into a footballing love affair for the ages?

My money’s on Wayne Hennessey (OG).

WORLD CUP 2022 TOURNAMENT MARKETS

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2022-11-17T08:00:00.0000000Z

2022-11-17T08:00:00.0000000Z

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